Being President of the United States of America is the most important job in the world – you can invade countries, veto legislation and send people into outer space. As President, there's a red phone on your desk, which you talk on, and moments later bombs drop onto suspected terrorist caves. Since the position is so incredibly important, it only makes sense that America chooses presidential candidates not according to their political beliefs or demeanor, but by their overall sexiness.

Starting with the rise of television, when you could see how hot (or not!) a candidate was, America has smartly voted for the candidate it'd rather get to third base with in the back of a taxi cab at 3 am. Of course, we begin with John F. Kennedy vs. Richard Nixon in 1960. Not hard to beat Richard Nixon in the looks department, and JFK was a-er smooth talker to boot, so no contest there. Feeling some pangs of regret over electing a candidate who got shot, America decided to take a chance on poor ol' Dick – a curiosity/pity fuck, if you will. Of course, America would regret that one in the morning.

From former movie stars to saxophone players, America's always looking for the next hottie to buy a Kama Sutra book with at Borders, laugh about it, and try one of the positions later that night. When choosing between a frat-jock like George W. Bush and a smart nerd like Al Gore, America chooses the “bad boy,” assuring the heartbroken nerd that he can always, “make a documentary or something – there are plenty of girls interested in that sort of thing.” This year it's incredibly tricky. Between Obama and McCain, there's no question that America thinks Obama's way cuter, but Sarah Palin has a sexy/crazy librarian thing happening, and now America is seriously considering whether it's bi.

Perhaps you think that issues do matter in an election – that looks aren't the only thing a President gets voted on. Well, I'd agree that sense of humor and “values” can play into a candidate's fuck-ability. However, other than that, America will forgive a candidate who's not on the same side of the stem cell research coin as it is, so long as foreign countries will be like, “damn, América es tan sexy” when they see the President. Issues only matter to dorks, and dorks don't get laid nearly as much as America does.

At the end of the day, all America wants is to shake its butt onto the President at a club, in rhythm to Flo-rida's “Low,” then go back to America's apartment, drink a little more, put on a movie they know they're not gonna watch, but won't be too distracting (Punch Drunk Love) and then get triple X nasty. So when you're going to the booths this November, remember to vote for the candidate that will help America get the most quality action. That, and liberty for all, is what America's looking for. Also, no freaks.*

*Actually, freaks are welcome.