The list of crimes attributed to the notorious criminal Carmen Sandiego is dumbfounding. From precious artwork like the Mona Lisa to historical monuments like the Statue of Liberty's torch, there's nothing Carmen won't get her greedy hands on – except, apparently, my penis! For all the time and energy I devoted to playing her video games and watching her cartoons and game shows, the least Carmen Sandiego could have done was taken my virginity.

My love of Carmen Sandiego made me an outcast at my school. I used a Carmen Sandiego backpack to carry around my stuff, wrote school reports on Carmen Sandiego books, and blasted Rockapella's Carmen Sandiego theme in a boombox around the school hallway well into my late teens. My devotion to Carmen knew no bounds, but for all my loyalty, Carmen never snuck into my childhood bedroom, tied me to the bedposts using rope from Carnegie Hall's curtains (which she would have stolen the previous evening), and raped me – as I often dreamed she would. No other girl would talk to me, what with my Carmen obsession and drooling problem! Where were you, Ms. Sandi-No-Show?

I never gave up hope. I took a tour of the Broaderbund Software company, and purposely got “lost” from the rest of the group. Looking around, I figured I'd find the elusive criminal somewhere in the building. Suddenly, I spotted a raven-haired beauty in a trench coat, and I knew it must have been her. So I quietly undressed, jumped out at her and screamed, “I've got a warrant for your sex-arrest, Carmen!” Turns out, it was a security guard about to go home for the day. I must admit, I felt a little foolish sitting naked in the Broaderbund basement, getting laughed at by programmers peeking downstairs, waiting for my parents to pick me up. Still, I have no regrets.

You might wonder how much hope I'd have of catching Carmen Sandiego – for sex purposes – when she's eluded professional law enforcement for so long. All I can say is that in the video game home simulations, I was able to catch Carmen many a time, and rose to the illustrious position of Ace Detective. However, in the event I could have caught her, what made me think she would have wanted my virginity? The answer: my penis was guarded with a metal chastity belt throughout high school. It would have taken a master thief to pick those locks – and there was only one criminal cunning enough. Too bad she chickened out.

So, Carmen Sandiego, wherever you are, you might have the Leaning Tower of Pisa in your backyard, but you never rose to the ultimate challenge of swiping my v-card. Who beat you to the punch? An amateur locksmith toolkit and the Pepsi machine on my dorm room floor. Jealous?

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