Halloween comes but once a year! Kids trick-or-treat, adults go to parties, and everyone dresses up in spooky outfits. It's a yearly tradition where we stuff ourselves with goodies, watch classic Treehouse of Horror episodes and wake up with half a Mounds bar stuck in our teeth. Nothing beats Halloween, but do you realize that while you were doing all that Halloween stuff, you could have been preparing for Christmas? It's less than two months from October 31st! Fuck Halloween – Santa's coming to town!

Sure, you could spend Halloween celebrating Halloween, but that's a complete waste of time. While you're out partying, you could be buying decorations for the Christmas party you'll be hosting two months later. You could spend the weeks leading up to Halloween designing a costume, but let me ask you this, smart guy: do you know yet where the Christmas tree is gonna go in your living room? What music are you gonna play while open presents? And have you even bought everyone gifts yet? Here you are, idling away your time having fun, when you should be hard at work buying Ultrasonic Jewelry Cleaners from Hammacher Schlemmer.

If you think Halloween is scary, try going into Christmas unprepared! Try telling your friends and family that you didn't get them the gifts they wanted because you were prancing around the neighborhood in a goblin costume, having the time of your life. Their angry faces will send shivers down your spine, in a way Jack Skellington never will. This is why they put “X days until Christmas” signs up in September – to help keep you on track for the most important day of the year, and it ain't Halloween, folks.

You might think you can take one day off between September and December 25th to celebrate a non-Christmas holiday. After all, what's one little day? Well, here's a thought: let's say the day after Halloween, you get hit by a car and fall into a coma. You wake up on Christmas day, but you didn't get anyone presents before then. Now your friends and family will be incredibly disappointed. In fact, upon finding out you hadn't bought them presents yet, they might be tempted to just pull the plug on you. Better get shopping, because your life is at stake!

There's no substitute for being organized. You need to stay on top of life, or else life will take you over, like the devil takes over the bodies of young girls and makes them swear a lot. Halloween might seem like fun, but the true test of the day is to relinquish the pleasures of candy and parties, in favor of researching catering options and lining up with your child in the mall early, to be the first in line for Santa.

“What about Thanksgiving,” you ask. Frankly, I'm not even sure what that is.