What's hot this month? Is it “bling?” “Ice?” “Blice?” No, all of those things are for pussies and fuckheads. The dope new thing everyone's getting are cavities – aka C-T's or most commonly, “teeth holes.” People used to go to the dentist to get rid of C-T's, but now hot girls and fly gangstas are letting their teeth get all rotted up in there. Celebrities like Lil' Wayne and J-Lo are actually going to RD's (Reverse Dentists), who screw up their teeth beyond recognition for thousands of dollars. One thing's for sure: ugly teeth have never been more in demand!

The teeth hole craze began in our nation's prisons, where more and more inmates have decided to let their teeth go bad, cause what's the point? A lot of them are stuck in jail for life. Might as well spend the time it takes brushing your teeth twice a day to write slam poetry or beat up an inmate for precious cigarettes. CrimoNAL, an ex-pimp/rapper who let his teeth go bad in jail, released a song called, “Bitches Be Retarded,” which featured the line, “I get money from my ho's / chinchilla's my wardrobe / and you know I'm a player / cause I got me some teeth holes.” The song was #1 on the Billboard charts for eight months, easily knocking “My Cup Holder (Do It)” by Fergie to #2.

Now everyone is ruining their teeth – for fun. Rather than have gold plated fillings, more and more rappers are requesting black or “gunk” fillings at the dentist's office, to make their teeth look extra gangsta. Crest released a toothpaste called “teeth hole mint,” which gives your teeth the appearance of looking black and hole-y, but with a mint freshness that's great for kissing (“it's the best of both worlds,” claims Crest spokeswoman Miley Cyrus, who now boasts the C-T look). For kids who can't afford to go to RD's, there are candy needles, street nickname “sinjections,” which are syringes filled with liquefied candy, perfect for injecting your teeth with and rotting them stupid.

NRD's, or “non-reverse dentists,” are obviously outraged by the trend. They claim there are a number of health risks associated with purposefully destroying your teeth, not to mention the “poor hygiene” and “vomit-worthy grossness.” However, their efforts to derail the trend, with a multi-million dollar ad campaign called “Please Don't Destroy Your Teeth,” has proven ineffective in dealing with the new phenomenon. Frankly, I think those dentists are full of horseshit. Who needs healthy looking teeth? Not me, because I'm so down, I got most of my teeth surgically removed. What's better than grimy teeth? Answer: no teeth at all. Face!

So parents, dentists and authority figures: next time you see some thug rockin' the teeth hole look, don't hate. He's just being who he is – a guy who paid a lot of money to look like a convict who decided not to brush his teeth. And that's the shit, so deal with it. And I'm out.