When you bring back dinosaurs from extinction, and they end up eating people and destroying cities, some folks rush to blame science. “Those crazy scientists should not have played god and revived a species of monstrous predators back onto earth.” I call bullshit on that. The reason Jurassic Park didn't work was because they didn't put me in charge. They made two critical mistakes that I wouldn't have.

Mistake #1: Allowing dangerous dinosaurs, like the Velociraptor or T-Rex, to grow into adulthood. Kill them when they're young! A baby tyrannosaurus is gonna be weaker, smaller and less deadly than the enormous adult version. So I say let them grow up for a year, show them to tourists (“Aww, cute. A baby T-Rex”), then slaughter them. The only question is what to do with all the dinosaur carcasses, and the only good answer is to serve them in the Jurassic Park restaurant with names like “Vealociraptor.” Pet a dinosaur in the morning, eat one at night. Problem solved.

Mistake #2: Hiring Dennis Nedry. Epic fail. The HR department at InGen should not have hired a shifty fat man as their chief computer programmer. You can tell he's up to no good just by looking at his obese, untrustworthy face. If I were interviewing him, the first question I'd ask is, “what are you going to do to double cross my theme park?” He'd start stammering and I'd say, “get the hell out of my office!” No Dennis Nerdy means no dinosaurs escapes. Second problem solved.

Chaos theorist Dr. Ian Malcolm argues against the idea of a Jurassic Park in general, stating, “if there is one thing the history of evolution has taught us, it’s that life will not be contained. Life breaks free, expands to new territory, and crashes through barriers, painfully, maybe even dangerously.” Yeah, well I go to zoos all the time, Malcolm, and the animals stay contained all the time. A trip to the zoo doesn't usually end with a polar bear eating me, so where's your precious chaos theory now? Answer: in the garbage.

Cloning dinosaurs for a theme park was an awesome idea and will hopefully, someday, be done correctly by me. We just need to carefully vet who we hire to run the park, and slaughter any dangerous dinosaurs before they become powerful enough to kill us. That's called “thinking ahead,” which we humans can do with our larger than pea-sized brains. You should try it sometime, Dr. Alan Grant!

Vote Geoffrey Golden for CEO of Jurassic Park.