Everybody gets a cold at some point in their lives. It's just a natural part of being on a planet secretly run by germs. So when I sneeze, I generally expect a simple “gesundheit,” or from my grandmother: “why didn't you tell me you had a cold?” Very rarely is it a big deal when I sneeze. However, my cat goes nuts. He starts whining and crying, runs around the apartment and eventually hides for several hours. Well, I think my cat Stanley should chill out when I sneeze, and stop acting like a crazy dumb-dumb.

If I screamed, or chased my cat with an axe, his fear would be justified. Let's face it: nobody, human or feline, enjoys being chased by an axe. However, my cat has several unjustifiable fears, including shower water and the crinkling of a plastic bag. Stanley needs to man-up and learn that complaining about sneezing or bag crinkle isn't going to stop these things from happening. Have some real fears, Stanley, like getting poisoned at an enemy's dinner party.

Here's a fact: my cat sneezes, too. He'll be drinking some water, and then all of a sudden — *pffwwt* — which is the sound of my cat sneezing into his water bowl. When he sneezes, do I run around the house crying like a baby? Do I hide in the closet under the laundry pile (yeah, I know all your “secret” hiding spots, Stan)? Nope. I simply say “bless you” or “ha – now your face is wet.” I wouldn't mind a little gentle ribbing from Stanley, but this whine ‘n' cry has got to go.

“What if this fear dates back further than you've had him,” the astute reader might ask. I've considered this, but let's say his previous owner was to blame. What did this guy do? Repeatedly sneeze directly on my cat? Tie him to the bed, look directly into a bright light and sneezed all over him? I've never heard of a cat-sneezing fetish, and I've heard of female muscle growth, which is intensely weird. Therefore, the thing I was talking about didn't happen.

We all need to chill out more. I need to be less angry about my Netflix movies arriving late, my friend Andrew needs to be less angry with me for licking his wife's vagina (it was an accident!) and Stanley needs to remember the balls he used to have and stop freaking out every time I sneeze. Dude, I love ya, but seriously – chillax.