Back in the 80's, when childhood was great, all anybody talked about around this time was trick or treating. What costume are you gonna wear on the walk? Whose house are we gonna meet at? And most importantly, how are we gonna get to the rich people houses, where they give out full candy bars and gold nuggets wrapped in $100 bills? These days, nobody goes trick or treating on Halloween. It's all about which party you're going to and the uncanny observation that girl Halloween costumes tend to be sexy. What happened to the lost art of trick or treating? It's a practice that died with our childhoods.

As kids, we were night predators, scouring neighborhoods for candy. Sure, we were supervised by a parent or two, but that doesn't mean we did not discuss the idea of possibly giving an unresponsive house a “trick” – maybe! Trick or treating taught me the value of being greedy, and thinking about myself in the context of a larger group. Later, those skills could be applied to corporate life. The company works together so everyone gets paid. Either the client gives you a treat and buys your services, or you trick them by egging their house while they're sleeping.

You can get drunk at a party, but you'd get high — sugar high — from stuffing globs of half-melted Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in your mouth. You can dance at a party, but us kids would go jumping and running down the street from house to house, having a ball. You can get laid at a party, but… eh, yeah, adult Halloween has got me there. Still, should we have to give up trick or treating for sex? In fact, what about having a special “adults only” trick or treating route, where you can get sex and candy? This is what Marcy's Playground was prophesizing those many years ago.

Some of you are probably thinking that trick or treating isn't gone. That I got older, and as people get older, they tend to abandon the practice of circling around the block scraping for bits of candy, when they can go to the CVS and buy their very own bag of Hershey Mini Bars for $5 — or buy an entire cake and eat it, since there's no one stopping you. Also, you might be thinking that kids today still go trick or treating. Preposterous! I'm a hip guy in his mid-20s who lives in his parent's attic, has no job and watches the Disney Channel. In a way, I'm more of a child than most children today, and I say trick or treating is dying! Waaaaahhhhh!!!!!! Waaaahhh!!!!!

So if you're sad about the decline of trick or treating, do something about it. Instead of going to that kick-ass party with free beer, hot girls and your friend's band who just got signed, so you know they're gonna be on fire, go with your buddies around the block and get yourselves some bits of candy – along with the sneers of your fellow adult neighbors. You might even get some drugs in your candy, and as Hanna Montana would say, “that's the best of both worlds.”