Currently, I'm girlfriendless. There are a few ways I can tell. One is that I am dangerously undersexed. Two is that I can come home at whatever time I want to and no one seems to give a shit. Finally, number three, there's a huge pile of laundry that needs to get done. I find this pile of dirty socks and sweaty cartoon character shirts to be both unsanitary and absurd. Therefore, I need somebody's girlfriend to pitch in and do my laundry for me.

This is not just a selfish plea for someone else to wash my clothes. After a long, hard day of working at home, I simply don't have the strength or energy or girlish-urge to keep things tidy around my apartment. If my inability to clean continues, the smell emanating from my studio could cause unpleasant odors, falling property values, and incurable environmental damage to the Hollywood area. Therefore, someone must be brought in to assist me in cleaning up my own mess.

Preferably, this laundry-cleaning woman would be my girlfriend. That way, not only would the laundry get done, but many of my other problems in life (lack of sex, parents asking if I'm seeing anyone, etc.) would get resolved as well. However, I am open to the possibility of someone else's girlfriend pinch-hitting for my future “GF” in the meantime. Of course, the sexual tension between this other man's girl and myself will be unbearably intense, but I'm willing to risk making that man a cuckold for the good of my laundry.

You might be asking, “why does it have to be a girlfriend? Why not a single girl, a wife or a hired maid?” Well, from what I've seen recently, many single girls have apartments approaching mine in disgustingness. Not a good candidate for cleaning someone else's mess. Wives have high expectations of what should be exchanged for cleaning services, i.e. they expect you to marry them. Ehhh. A maid would work, but the girlfriend provides so many extra services on top of laundry, so who am I to deny the added value?

In conclusion, it's time for a pretty girl in her mid to late 20's, Hollywood area, preferably black or Jewish, to come over to my house and do all my laundry for me. The entire neighborhood is depending on a volunteer girlfriend doing her part to save the earth. If Al Gore were a hot, 24-year-old Jewish girl, she'd be all over this, if you know what I mean.