From the moon landing to the internet, the last decade brought us great advances in technology. So lets kick the next 100 years off right, by creating something truly useful: a real Mega Buster I can wear on my arm. It should shoot plasma projectiles, but also have different settings based on the abilities of the Robot Masers from Mega Man 1-3. Think of all the good this weapon will do for society and for my need to feel better about myself.

Lets say a thug tries to carjack me. Currently, my only recourse is to cry and try to look so pathetic that he turns away from me in disgust — and then I book it! However, if I had Mega Man’s awesome arm cannon, I could say something like, “get ready for my plasma power,” or “you’re a real snake, huh,” at which point I’d blast him with a bunch of metal Search Snakes, courtesy of Snake Man. I’d keep my car and my dignity, and the only real victims are the bystanders the Search Snakes kill after eating the carjacker.

Also, I could do crazy tricks at parties. We can make things wet and wild with my Bubble Lead. Forgot to bring a match for a roaring fire? Don’t worry, Atomic Fire will light up the fire place, and the wall the fire place is built into. Now the party’s getting hot! But what if the party’s still boring? I’ll just blow everyone up with Crash Bombs. Then I’ll start launching Magnet Missiles, because a party isn’t a party without Magnet Missiles. Then I’ll do Top Man’s weapon.

“Okay,” some of you are thinking. “I know how you’ll benefit, but what about society as a whole?” Great question. Society at large will benefit from me feeling truly fulfilled as a person for the first time in my life. This is called the “paying it forward” theory of happiness. If engineers make me happy by giving me a working Mega Man arm cannon, then I’ll do something nice for another person, and suddenly we’ll be in a utopia. All that needs to happen is for someone to do me one little solid and make me as powerful as Mega Man.

Everyone benefits when I’m given a crazy weapon straight out of a video game. Therefore, let’s not waste any time with smaller microchips, space stations or however else engineers currently dick around. The world needs me to have a Mega Blaster, because I’d be totally awesome with one. Think about it. Or better yet, don’t think about it – just make the darn cannon and give it to me.

Also, turn my cat into Rush.