Like a lot of folks, I’m a commuter. I live in a Los Angeles apartment, and commute to the Kingdom of Wisdom. Believe me, if I could afford to live in Dictionopolis, I would, but King Azaz the Unabridged keeps the rent super high, so the only people who can afford to live there permanently are royalty and the new rich, like Tock. So you can imagine, a letter orchard picker like me has enough troubles getting letters to the marketplace, let alone having to pay an outrageous $2.75 cent toll to get to and from the Kingdom!

All day, I’m in the prickly word fields, the hot sun beating down on me. I’m constantly getting scratched by “Slice,” “Stab,” and “Ouchems.” However, Azaz only supplies the field with one first aid box, so sometimes I can’t even get a band-aid until I come home (the guys working the Kingdom border are contraband Nazis). Given the low wages for field workers, should we really have to pay an additional $5.50 out of our hard earned pay to get back and forth from the magical universe of Wisdom?

Formerly, the toll was $2 and I get that. The Kingdom needs to bring in wages, and who better to tax then the little boy tourists who are lead to believe that they’re “saving” the Kingdom of Wisdom. $4 a day wasn’t easy, but I figured I was doing my part, since the US doesn’t tax wages collected in fantasy worlds. However, $5.50 a day? $5.50 a DAY? They’re squeezing me right out of my job. As much as I’ve tried to lobby for the Kingdom paying our tolls, Azaz just told me I’d have to eat my words, so I was forcibly fed “Unfair,” “Please help the poor laborers,” and “You are a fat, heartless tyrant and I’d murder you if I got the chance.”

Perhaps you think I should give up my job and go to work in the real world, where they’ll be no toll. Oh sure, it’s easy for you to tell me to get another job. But what things need to be picked off trees in the real world? What crazy, desired things grow in California that can just be picked off a tree? NOTHING! And I’ll tell you what certainly can’t be picked: words. That’s what I do. I’m a word picker, and I choose my words carefully (my manager always commends me on this). I don’t know what I’d do without my j-o-b.

So please lower the toll on Phantom Tollbooths. I know there’s inflation and bored children are a cash cow, but think of the workers and how this decision affects us. We’re just trying to make a living without having to work for those fags over in Digitopolis.