I was taking a shit, when all of a sudden I saw a bug crawling on the bathroom floor. A gross spider, bigger than others that have strolled around my apartment. However, I didn’t squish it, because my cat has first dibs. This is what Stanley lives for. We train with a piece of string and a ball of pipe cleaners, so he’ll know just what to do when an ugly critter walks around the floor. Unfortunately, Stanley wants to torture the spider and I want him to kill it fast. Put him out of his misery, Stanners!

After watching 24, I think I know a thing or two about torture — it’s bad! Unless you’re in a bomb-about-to-blow-up-Burbank scenario, you shouldn’t torture another living creature. However, my cat must think he’s the new Jack Bauer (or perhaps Jack’s new feline partner, FOX?) by the way he batted at the spider. I’ve seen this cat tear into and devour more than one felt mice toys. If Stanley wanted to, he could have squished the bug and ate it in moments. My cat must get some sick pleasure out of watching spiders squirm with pain.

Looking at him now, sitting on the carpet like a duck, with his little paws tucked underneath his body, I bet Stanley’s thinking, “I tortured the shit out of that bug. I tore it a new asshole, then I chopped off its legs. Yeah, I can still here the spider’s cries in my ears… and I liked it!” Now he’s on his back, exposing his furry belly, the sign of a real sadist. He just squeaked quietly, as if to say, “I’m not sure what’s right or wrong anymore.” Stanley is losing it.

If you think I’m vilifying natural feline behavior, by personifying it in a way that doesn’t apply to cats, then you’re dead wrong. Cats don’t torture by instinct – they do it by choice. Cold, deliberate choice. However, I will concede that cats are a mysterious animal, so their motives — while absolutely cruel — might not be so cut-and-dry. For example, Abu Ghraib. Our soldier were cruel torturers, but they were also trying to stop terrorism. What I’m trying to say is, when your cat bats at a spider, it’s pretty much on par with Lynndie England.

So Stanley, please eat the bug already. There’s no use in torturing it further. You know what? I’m just gonna use some toilet paper and flush it down. Now Mr. Spider has been put out of his misery. Next time, Stanley, don’t take ten years to finish to the job.