It’s New Years Eve Day, and coming up is New Years Eve Night Dusk Time. I remember going to some amazing New Years parties back when I was a kid. There was the time I slept over at a friends house and watched him play video games, the time I went to my parents’ party and talked to boring grown-ups, the time I went to First Night and got my hand stuck in an escalator. Hey, I’ve had nothing but shitty New Years Eves all my life! I bet I’m not alone either. They should teach children how to party properly.

In teen sex movies, kids are constantly throwing amazing parties. Couples making out on the couch, dudes passed out on the lawn, girls throwing up into the punch bowl — real epic stuff. However, I don’t remember ever going to that amazing a party in school. I went to popular kids’ parties, but generally they were just a giant line for a shitty red cup of keg beer. The music sucked, but then again, it was the late 90′s. Still, our nation’s teen parties are nowhere up to the standards we set for ourselves in feature films.

We all know that social skills are among the most important skills learned in high school. So why don’t we teach these kids how to throw better parties? Hosting a killer party might be the difference between getting a future boss to drunk-hire you and not getting that thing I just wrote to happen. Schools can also teach students how to be better party-goers, too:

Lesson #1: If you’re gonna puke, do it in public. Raises the epicness quotient of the party.

Lesson #2: If you’re gonna make out, do it in public. That’s way more entertaining than Guitar Hero.

Lesson #3: If you’re gonna make out longer than 20 minutes, pick a bedroom and do it already. That shit gets boring after 20 minutes.

If you think party education doesn’t belong in public schools, then you’re probably a prude. You’re just jealous because when you go to these awesome parties, you’re the victim of wedgies or panty-swipings. Hey, I feel for ya, but you can’t let your total loseriness affect the education of millions of young minds. They need to learn how to party right, and public money needs to be spent in order to do so.

Let’s all grab those Partying 201 textbooks and cram. And by “cram,” I mean party our fucking brains out. YEAH! Cause the only way you can fail party class is by being totally lame and not partying. So PARTY!! YEAH!!!!!