As I’ve insulted my friends and family over the years, then cried like a young child when they’ve insulted me back, I’ve frequently heard the following phrase: “you can dish it out, but you can’t take it.” Well, they’re right. I can’t take it. However, I love dishing it out — it’s my only passion in life. So my new plan is to dish it out and never take anything. Problem solved.

It’s a lot of fun to insult our loved ones. Am I right? Nothing gives me a greater thrill than a family barbecue. I’ll go up to my 93-year-old grandma and ask, “aren’t old people supposed to be thin? How come you’re still as fat as the day grandpa left you?” I’ll laugh and laugh — everybody wins.

However, sometimes she’ll come back and say, “do you have a job yet? Or do you still spend all your time on the computer, crying and masturbating?” The words are like a dagger through my heart, and I feel miserable. Why would G-Ma say such hurtful things? This is why I’ve vowed never to “take it” and why I’m always gonna stick to my comfort zone of “dishing it out.”

But isn’t life just a big series of give and take? Well, maybe for you chumps, but not for me. I don’t have to live by life’s rules just because the natural order of things says so. Fuck the natural order of whatevers! Nobody is ever gonna insult or joke about me again. If they try, I’ll just turn my mind off. If the nasty remark is printed, I’ll use my mind censor to block it out. Meanwhile, I’m dishing out the cruel faster than my friend Keith ruined his life (he fell asleep at the wheel, crashed, and the passengers in his car all died: his fiance, his parents and his cool boss, who was in the middle of praising his job performance — way to drive, numb-nuts!).

From now on, I’m not taking anything, except for money. However, you can’t pay me to take insults, so don’t try that one. You hear that world? You can never trick me into doing anything but dishing it out. And dish I shall, to compensate for my tiny penis. Wait, did I just dish it out to myself… and take it?

ERROR DETECTED. SHUTTING DOWN.