Thursday, January 1st, 2009
I’m Gonna Drink Nothing But “Tentacle Grape” Soda
Once in a lifetime, a drink comes around that changes everything. Tea: England has an official tea time and America pissed them off by dumping a bunch of it. Milk: It does a body good, and in the 50′s, it’s all anyone ever drank. Water: ‘Nuff said. Now there’s a new drink that bills itself as “the most delicious Hentai soda on the market.” Introducing Tentacle Grape soda — the only thing I will ever drink from now on.
Why would I want to drink anything else, now that there’s a soda that riffs on the phrase “tentacle rape?” It’s funny, because I was just thinking about tentacle rape the other day, when I was masturbating to tentacle rape porn and comic books. In anime porn, it’s not uncommon for women to be raped by squids, octopuses and aliens. That’s great for me and my masturbating, and after I cum, nothing would be more refreshing than a grape soda.
It’s nutritious too! Tentacle Grape has zero total fat and no cholesterol. It’s got 41.7g of carbohydrates, but what doesn’t these days? And it contains 2% of my daily iron, so after a bottle of this stuff, I just need to get 98% more iron in my system. Fuck yeah! Plus, it’s good for the mind, too. Tentacle Grape keeps my memory working overtime, constantly thinking about tentacle rape. In fact, just thinking about the soda gets me thinking about the rape. It works without having to drink any!
You might be wondering if I’m obsessed with tentacle rape. Nope! Not a chance. Sure, I love tentacle rape. The idea of one tentacle lifting up a Japanese school girl’s skirt, while another undoes her bra, while another sticks itself in her mouth — I mean, yes I have a stuffed octopus collection, and yes, I built my own set of tentacles for when a girl becomes comfortable enough to have sex with me, but that really isn’t any of your bees wax!
In conclusion, when I’m done drinking these sodas, I am going to stick my penis into the bottles. I love you so much, tentacle rape. You give me an erection with one tentacle and a delicious beverage with the other.
See you at Tentacle Con ’09 in Houston everybody!
6 Comments
January 2nd, 2009 at 3:57 am
God… GOD!
I have a little collection of funny drinks…
got a can of whoop ass…
got cocaine…
but nothing even closely compares to this.
I UTTERLY NEED to get a bottle of tentacle grape.
I’ll buy an extra one to drink after a long day of watching tentacle henta… I mean… Football! A long day of playing football.
January 2nd, 2009 at 4:03 am
FYI I just pre-ordered a six pack.
Thank you for bringing me together with this wonderful rape soda.
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
“It's funny, because I was just thinking about tentacle rape the other day, when I was masturbating to tentacle rape porn and comic books.”
Haha!
I’ve seen it where the tentacles just happen to be penis shaped. How convenient.
January 2nd, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Hexen – No need to thank me. Bringing people together with rape soda is what I love to do.
Paul – I’m pretty sure some squids actually do have penis tentacles. It was on Wikipedia, right after I edited it.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:22 am
It probably didn’t taste good because it was in transit for 3 months! Still, I’m happy we finally closed the book on this chapter, and that I brought you a little closer to rape.
January 12th, 2010 at 1:16 am
Thanks for the articles. I have learned a lot reading your site.
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