How you doin’ there? It’s your old pal Al Czervik. I’ve got good news, so all five of you looking at this blog outta pay attention. Yesterday I did some reading in a college library. That’s right, I read “JUICY” on the butts of ten girls. But I also read an article that confirms something I said a long time ago. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re all gonna get laid!

In the heat of the moment, after winning a lot of money from that sweetheart (more like a poison Skittle) Judge Smails, I shouted the phrase, “we’re all gonna get laid!” That statement gave hope to all the nerds out there for years, until World of Warcraft came along. I can’t compete with that! Anyway, I always wondered if that phrase was true, or if I was just blowing smoke up people’s asses (which actually sounds like a fun night out)!

I just learned that I was pretty accurate, like when I shoot my something onto a girl’s somethings. (I’m trying to keep this post safe for work. How am I doing, Fuckface McDildo?) Anyway, according to the Associated Foreign Press, only 4% of American adults said they never had sex, and I hear Bruce Vilanch answered multiple times. So statistically speaking, I was probably right — all the people I was talking to probably got laid.

Do I know for sure? No, of course not. Some of those caddies might have been eunuchs. Or Born Again Retarded. I don’t know. But the odds are in my favor, like my odds of doing Jessica Alba tonight. Of course, I’m counting when I hump the poster for Good Luck Chuck at Blockbuster.

So show me some respect — yeah, I worked respect in there, cause you wouldn’t respect me if I didn’t — and admit I was right. Just about everybody gets laid. If you don’t, I feel for ya. If you don’t and you’re a sexy girl, let me feel for ya.

Ho boy! *Adjusts tie*