If you’re hunting for leprechauns this St. Patrick’s Day, you can count me out. Don’t get me wrong: I love pots of gold. There’s a lot of important things I’d buy with a fortune in gold, like the upcoming X-Men: The Animated Series DVD box set. However, as much as I love gold, who wants the hassle of having to capture and deal with a leprechaun’s bullshit? Not me.

1) First of all, you’ve got to capture the thing, and that’s hard. They’re very small, incredibly feisty and tricky as a twenty six dollar bill. Even a whole town in Alabama was unable to capture a leprechaun, and Alabamans are known for their traps!

2) Even if you manage to capture the leprechaun, and they tell you where the pot of gold is, all they’re gonna do is outrun you to the location and split for Ireland. You’ll be left high and dry, goldless for all your boldness. You’ll feel shitty.

3) If movies teach us anything, it’s that leprechauns are murderers.

So this St. Patrick’s Day, I’ll stick to my green beers and vomiting — no more leprechaun hunting for me. My Easter Bunny trap is all set up though, and I hear that stealing from him is a lot easier… and more delicious.