From left to right: Festus the Giant Moron Wrestler, Santino the Borat Wrestler, Golddust the Gay Spaceman Wrestler and Hornswaggle the Leprechaun (who is also a wrestler).

Last week on RAW, they all teamed up together for a match. Thank you, Vince McMahon.

If you’ve been watching the WWE and want to know more about the lady divas, here’s a guide to their intricately developed personalities:

Alicia Fox – Sassy.

Beth Phoenix – Mean.

Brie Bella – Sexy. *

Candice – Sexy.

Eve – Sexy.

Gail Kim – Spunky.

Jillian – Vain.

Kelly Kelly – Sexy.

Layla – Mean.

Maria – Spunky.

Maryse – Vain.

Melina – Sexy.

Michelle McCool – Mean.

Mickie James – Sexy.

Nikki Bella – Sexy. *

Santina Marella – Awesome. **

* – The Bella Sisters can also be described as “Twins.”

** – The most entertaining Diva is a man dressed in drag.

A new WWE storyline features the United States Champion and Ballin’ proficionado MVP teaming up with The View’s Sherri Shephard for… some reason.

The way it was explained on RAW, General Manager Theodore Long knew both of them and hooked them up on two well-documented dates.  When MVP visited The View, he chatted amiably with Barbara and the gang about life as a pro wrestler.  Sherri was also in MVP’s corner on Smackdown, when he faced Dolph Lundren (best name ever) in a title match.  He won with Sherri’s help — he smacked Dolph hard when he hit on her during the match, giving MVP a crucial advantage.

But really?  MVP and Sherri Shephard? From a marketing perspective, I’m perplexed.  The WWE is a show about ripped dudes punching each other.  The View is a show where women talk about lady stuff for girls.  I understand the Nintendo Wii idea of targeting “non-gamers,” because I think most people enjoy playing games of some kind (board games, sports).  However, can the WWE and The View really pick up viewers from one another?  Do 8-year-old boys want to hear a debate on gluten free diets?  Do 30-year-old women want to follow the antics of midget leprechaun wrestler Hornswoggle?  What content overlaps?

Of course, this is an oversimplification.  According to the WWE, 35% of its audience are women.  And I’m sure sweaty muscular guys grabbing each other must do it for some of The View’s audience.  However, I think a cross promotion risks alienating their core demographics (spoken like a true marketing whiz).  Maybe not so much for The View’s demo, although if Sherri Shephard gets deeper into MVP’s storyline, it might Andy Kaufman-out some women.  It’s WWE dude reactions I’m curious about.  When I watch a wrestling pay-per-view, it’s a guys night, like playing poker or attending a jerk-off circle, y’know?  Dudes don’t want their show invaded by the girl police — they’re the ones that tell them wrestling is stupid to begin with!

So who benefits from this?

PS – Next week on RAW, the Bella twins hit on MVP and the superstar agreed to take them out.  Sherri was mentioned in the conversation.  So it’s like, “I’m kinda going out with Sherri in a ridiculous attempt to gain female viewers, but don’t worry guys, I’m porkin’ the twins!“

“Money In The Bank” Ladder Match

I picked MVP, because I thought his comeback-from-a-depressing-losing-streak storyline would have a glorious twist by winning the event. Instead, CM Punk won it. I like him, but he’s won the match before. Great match, boring choice of winner.

25 Diva Royal Rumble

I predicted Borat-esque wrestler Santino Marella would win. He’d been campaigning that the match was sexist for not including men. A suspiciously masculine looking woman went unnoticed until the very end, and that woman was revealed to be “Santina Marella,” Santino’s twin sister. This is why I love wrestling.

Chris Jericho vs. Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka & Ricky Steamboat

I thought the legends would find a way to defeat Jericho, but despite a strong showing from Ricky Steamboat, the legend-hating Jericho defeated all three of them. Then Mickey Rourke came on stage and punched him stupid. Rourke seemed kind of embarrassed to be there, but it was still awesome.

Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy

This one I got right. Despite Jeff slamming Matt through two folding tables, ultimately this match went to Matt Hardy in an upset. The Extreme Enigma has a lot more brooding to do before getting the black cloud of his jealous brother out of the way.

JBL vs. Rey Mysterio

I called this one for Rey, and I’m glad I did. Not only did ultra-rich JBL lose, but he lost in like 30 seconds, a complete embarrassment. Why doesn’t he just buy the WWE if he’s so rich? Then he’d be just like Baseketball (second step: hire Reel Big Fish to play constantly).

The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels

Again, I thought Shawn’s comeback-from-being-JBL’s-bitch storyline would have ended nicely with a victory against The “16-0 at Wrestlemania” Undertaker, but HBK ultimately lost. However, the match was something like 45 minutes long and completely epic.

Edge vs. John Cena vs. Big Show

I knew that John Cena would rightfully take back the Heavyweight title stolen from him by Edge. He did that, and exposed an affair between Edge’s wife, General Manager Vicky Guerrero, and the Big Show. Apart from Cena lifting Big Show and Edge on his back, the highlight was the Eminem-esque multiple Cena army to introduce him.

Randy Orton vs. Triple H

When you punt Vince MacMahon in the head, and RKO Triple H‘s wife/Vince’s daughter, there are gonna be consequences. WRESTLEMANIA CONSEQUENCES. This one I got – it was The Game all the way.

Unseen Match: Carlito and Primo vs. John Morrison and The Miz

For some reason, we didn’t get to see this match up for the new unified Tag Team title. I thought this would be a good one to throw to the villains, egotistical Miz and Morrison, but apparently Carlito and Primo were the winners. They deserve it, especially after this happened.

So I went 5-4, not bad for my first Wrestlemania. Next year? 9-0 suckas, and I’ll never bet against The Undertaker again.

Every “a” is 1 point. Every “b” is 2 points.

1) How do you feel about the fans?

a: I love the fans.

b: Those hypocrites and liars? Let me make one thing clear: all the fans are whiny idiots. I wish I could take Wrestlemania and shove it into their throats, causing them to choke and die. Once their bodies were dead for a few days, I’d pull down my pants and have sex with the dead corpse of each and every fan out there!

How’d you score?

1 point: You’re a Good Guy! Jeff Hardy says, “hello.”

2 points: You’re a Bad Guy – BOOOOO!!!!!! YOU SUCK!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!! DIE!!!! YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!! I’LL KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!!!!

(Triple H takes a metal folding chair and strikes you unconscious… because you deserved it.)