Like many Americans, I’m currently hard at at work browsing Facebook and making very little money doing so. This year, due to budget reasons, I called off a lavish vacation I was planning to exotic Pasadena, California. I’ll have to wait another year to explore the curious curios of the devine Rose Bowl Flea Market. Instead, I’m in the middle of planning an around the world staycation. In case you’ve forgotten your 2008 buzzwords, a “staycation” is a stay-at-home vacation. So, how do you have a globetrotting staycation? It’s easy: just bring diverse foods and entertainments into your shitty apartment and cry so much you start pretending…

Food: Sure, you could cook and eat regular sausage. But what if the sausage you got from the grocery store was… polish? Suddenly, you’re transported to Warsaw, freezing your ass off while sadly touring the old Jewish ghetto and wondering if Stalin also liked polish sausage. He apparently liked kotlety, “Russian Mince Cakes,” so why not sausage, hmm?

Entertainment: Sure, you could watch a regular old movie. But what if the movie you watched on Netflix streaming was… Roberto Benigni’s unloved adaptation of Pinocchio? Suddenly, you’re in Italy, wondering what you ever liked about Roberto Benigni. You could also order an Italian “pizza” (peet-zah) and blow what little money you have at an Italian online casino. You’ll be like a high-rolling, unemployed James Bond! Except the coolest gadget in your arsenal will be a smart phone that Verizon shut-off, because you can’t afford the monthly bill.

Dancing: I still have some MP3s from my world music class in college, so… ughhhh…